What I’m Listening To

The Library is Open

This post is meant to be a lighthearted, humorous reading of people who are… less than considerate at the gym.

I’m not mad, I’m sassy 😉

Dreaming of TotalAsshole™️ Status?

Do you want to know what it takes to be a TotalAsshole™️ when you’re at the gym?

Look no further!

These simple, easy, breezy, beautiful, Cover Girl tips will earn you the ire of everyone around you, and launch you into TotalAsshole™️ territory without breaking a sweat.

See what I did there?

1. Leaving Trash on the Machines

I’m not sure about everyone else, but I fully love clearing your used, sweaty wipes from the cup holder on the leg press machine. Or the arm curl machine. Or literally any machine.

Nothing brings me more joy than picking up the same wipes that you used to sanitize the seat of your tasty ass sweat and carrying them to the trash myself like you hired me to do so.

Let me know where I can send the cleaning service bill.

2. Invading Someone’s Personal Space

When I’m on a machine, or on a stretching table, or occupying literally any space anywhere in the gym, I absolutely invite you to occupy the square foot of floor space immediately to my left.

Social norms and expectations? What the fuck are those!?

I know you really, really, really need to watch the amateur pickleball players feebly bat the ball into the net from the window directly behind me. So, please, I love it when you’re within sexual intercourse range of my body! Stand there and gawk at the match nobody invited you to for as long as your shitty heart desires.

I’ll be sure to remember a condom next time.

3. Playing Literally Anything Out Loud From Your Phone

There’s no doubt that everyone else at the gym, myself included, wants to hear your expertly crafted, garbage playlist. Or your shitty phone conversation with your second cousin in Indianapolis. Or your douchebro YouTube video where Elon Musk jerks off to his own reflection while hating on transfolks and slowly murdering Twitter.

Never mind that you can get a pair of earbuds for twenty bucks! You are the world’s leading expert across all possible audio sounds, and therefore the gym crowd should be subject to your noise. And, we should be grateful for it.

So, please, crank your phone’s volume to the max, and play that shit for all to hear.

(By the way, this strategy will earn you TotalAsshole™️ status literally anywhere in public! So, be sure really lean into this wherever you go!)

4. Carrying On an Extended Conversation While On a Machine

You know when you should have a casual chit-chat with your gymbro about the dollar store tortilla chips and pre-shredded cheddar/sawdust you microwaved and called nachos?

When you’re sitting at the only triceps extension machine in the facility.

Honestly, we did all buy tickets to your Fascinating Fitness Forum, so we love waiting fifteen minutes for you to finish.

I’m certainly not fathoming other, choice F words to fling at you in those moments.

5. Wearing Too Much Cologne or Perfume

I love a nostalgic flashback to middle school. Truly.

Losing to Brock over and over in Pokémon Blue because I’d chosen Charmander as my starter.

Twenty minutes of waiting for the Dude, You’re Getting A Dell computer to boot, the subsequent fight over the phone line, and the eternity of waiting for the dial-up internet to connect me at 56kbps to America Online so I could look up the lyrics to Bye Bye Bye that were in the CD cover in the first place.

And, of course, being assaulted by the cloud of Axe in the school locker room after sixty boys decided that that was an acceptable alternative to a shower.

Therefore, it thrills me to no end to repeatedly inhale your noxious cloud of comingled body scent and body sweat as you jog next to me on the treadmill. (Bonus points for picking the one right next to me when there were roughly forty-seven million others to pick.)

Brings me right back to that locker room. This time though, I can hate someone other than myself.

Time to Try These Tips!

We all know you’re an overachiever, and I could give you so many more tips, but start with these five.

If you do just one, you’ll be well on your way. But, try to work all five into a crunch sesh, and you’ll earn TotalAsshole™️ status just in time for me to key your fucking car.

Cheers, bro.