What I’m Listening To
What is the Emotions Journal?
As an exercise, my goal is to start each writing session with an Emotions Journal entry.
I was inspired to do this by the book How To Burn A Rainbow: My Gay Marriage Didn’t Make Me Whole, My Divorce Did by Karl Dunn.
In it, he describes following a three-step formula — What, Ask, Wait — for each entry:
- What: Write down the most recent incident that triggered your emotions and describe how it made you feel, aiming for instinctive, unfiltered truth.
- Ask: Formulate a question about the incident — How?, Where?, When?, Who?, Why?, etc. Why questions often help uncover deeper understanding.
- Wait: Sit quietly, listen for an answer from within, and write down the guidance that comes.
So, I’m going to try it. I’ll write as freely as I can, and then edit minimally thereafter.
Emotions Journal Entry #1
What
The seasons are beginning to change: It’s early September and summer is spilling into fall. D and I broke up in mid-July, and as the weather shifts, I’m finding myself facing new triggers.
The crisp morning air in the bedroom reminds me of the times we woke up next to each other, cuddling until past our alarms, too cold to get out of bed.
Fall food cravings remind me of pots of minestrone or chili I’d made bubbling away on the stove as we sat on the couch together, watching a rerun of Parks and Recreation or Schitt’s Creek.
Michigan Football starting reminds me of the parties we’d hosted together in this living room.
As I edit this, I realize how straight those last couple examples are. Chili and football?! Haha, I love it.
Everything about the past few autumns is trickling back, lurking here and there. And with each new memory comes the jagged reminder that I’m on my own, again, for all of them.
Ask
Why does grieving hurt so much? Why does it last so long? Why can’t logic alone sate this ongoing emotional hunger?
Wait
I feel like I’m on a journey of self-discovery. The answers to those questions coming now all seem to focus on that theme.
There’s something I need to learn about myself still. This is a transformation I’ve got to go through.
Somehow, in my mind, it feels like D did me some grand-scheme favor by initiating this breakup. Through all of the grief and pain and loss, I am so confident that there’s something better coming. And to find that, to get there, I have to go through this.
That’s exactly how I feel about K leaving, too: I was pulled into a journey of discovery then, and it taught me so much about myself. It led me to D, and ultimately to the person I am now. And so, even in grief, I feel myself finding gratitude for both of them.
I don’t regret it. Any of it.
Even though they both caused me pain, and a lot of it, I’m who I am, in part, because of them.
This entry was HyperHetero™️™️™️ above, so it feels only right to queer it up a bit by ending with a lyric from Wicked. Not for the sake of queering the post (though I do enjoy that), but because it’s meaningful here:
Because I knew you
I have been changed…
For good.
0 Comments