What I’m Listening To

What is the Emotions Journal?

As an exercise, my goal is to start each writing session with an Emotions Journal entry.

I was inspired to do this by the book How To Burn A Rainbow: My Gay Marriage Didn’t Make Me Whole, My Divorce Did by Karl Dunn.

In it, he describes following a three-step formula — What, Ask, Wait — for each entry:

  1. What: Write down the most recent incident that triggered your emotions and describe how it made you feel, aiming for instinctive, unfiltered truth.
  2. Ask: Formulate a question about the incident — How?, Where?, When?, Who?, Why?, etc. Why questions often help uncover deeper understanding.
  3. Wait: Sit quietly, listen for an answer from within, and write down the guidance that comes.

So, I’m going to try it. I’ll write as freely as I can, and then edit minimally thereafter.

Emotions Journal Entry #3

What

I asked a guy I’ve been talking to lately if he wanted to spend some time together.

He tells me nearly daily about walks he goes on, and walking is something I also like to do. Especially with my new passion for fitness, I figured this would be a good way to get to know him and get some exercise.

So, I suggested we go for a walk.

We were working out the details, and we first figured out a time. Then, he asked where.

I began to spin my mental rolodex of locations, fingers on my keyboard, prepared to make a suggestion.

How about the park nearby? Nope. D and I spent hours walking the track that circled that park.

How about the beautiful trail that runs through my city? Nope. I’ve never been to that trail without D.

How about one of the neighborhoods I know from our Parks department’s walk program? Nope. I did nearly every walk from that program for three years with D.

How about the loop I walk around my apartment complex? Nope. The last time I did that walk was when D and I took my cat Ruby for a walk. I haven’t been able to go since.

I couldn’t think of anywhere to go that didn’t feel like an emotional minefield.

So, we’re going to get ice cream instead.

…the opposite of going for a walk.

Ask

What can I do to help these places no feel so emotionally charged? Am I ready to experiences these places again? If I’m not ready, how will I know I am? How long did I experience these sorts of feelings after K?

Wait

I know that there’s a simple answer to the first question: I have to revisit those places, just like the gym, and Target, and Meijer.

I need to spend time rewriting those memories. The first time will suck, but it’ll get easier with each time I go.

Too bad the simplest answers aren’t always the easiest answers.

There are other things I know I’ve been avoiding because they might be tricky emotionally.

This time of year brings out my desire to play a few different video games: Zelda. Stardew Valley. Civilization.

Also, watching certain shows: Schitt’s Creek. Modern Family. Superstore.

And then there are the movies: The Birdcage. Best in Show. Clue. These are probably the hardest.

Movies. Shows. Games. Walking. Things I’m not even thinking about right now. I miss all of this so much, but they’re ensnared in my emotional equivalent of a pair of corded earbuds at the bottom of a bag.

I’m still avoiding the knotted mess.

I need to spend some time detangling. Soon.