What I’m Listening To

Taking Inspiration from Single On Purpose

Today, I finished reading Single On Purpose by John Kim. Overall, the book is good, and I enjoyed the read. It was pretty short.

The one takeaway that sticks out in my mind is his idea of non-negotiables in relationships. Essentially, these are the things you are unwilling to accept from another person when you’re dating.

For example, one of Kim’s non-negotiables is: “I will not be with someone who does not support my passions or champion my story.”

I love how specific he is with these, and it inspired me to write mine.

As I was making my list though, I realized that there were shades of how much of a dealbreaker each thing was. So, I decided to make a list of my caution flags instead.

Dating & Relationship Caution Flags

Below, I’ll give each item a color. Here’s what those colors mean:

Red Flag 🔴

A red flag equates to a solid non-negotiable: I will not tolerate this, and it’s a firm dealbreaker.

Orange Flag 🟠

An orange flag is serious, but it might be workable, depending on how the person handles it.

Yellow Flag 🟡

A yellow flag is something that might not be my favorite, but I can probably tolerate it.

If we happen to be dating, and you’re reading this, good! If you see any things that raise challenges or questions for you, let’s talk.

🔴 Betrayal

This is the absolute top of my list. I am fully over partners doing shady shit.

I get that people make mistakes, and sometimes things aren’t so black and white. However. I am done tolerating partners who cheat, lie, and hide things from me.

If you pull this bullshit on me, we’re done. Period.

🔴 Lopsided Effort

If we’re dating, and I have to put in all of the effort, I’ll get bored really quickly.

A quick way to my heart is to make plans with me. A quick way to turn me off is to never offer.

Same thing with communication: If I’m constantly having to initiate conversations with you, and you never reciprocate, I’m out.

🔴 Inconsideration

If you never think of anyone but yourself, and have no sense of the people around you, that’s a hard stop.

🔴 Drugs

I don’t judge people who do use drugs. And, I think all drugs should be legal.

But, overall, I don’t want drugs to be a part of my life. I can tolerate the occasional edible, but beyond that, it’s a no.

🔴 Smoking

Hard no. This includes cigarettes, weed, and vaping.

🔴 Excessive Partying

If given a choice between sitting on the couch, watching a movie with a glass of wine, or spending all night at a club, I’ll pick the former in a heartbeat.

I do like occasionally going out and having fun, for sure. But, if it’s your entire way of life, and you’re getting drunk at a club multiple times a month, I’m not about it.

🔴 Uninterested in Sex

Sex is an important part of relationships for me. Again, absolutely no judgement of those for whom sex isn’t important! But, that won’t work for me.

🔴 Emotionally Immature

I’ve never understood when couples fight and they’re hurling insults and calling each other names. This is a sign of emotional immaturity.

I’ve definitely fought with my partners in the past, and even at our most heated, I’ve never called them names or said mean or hurtful things. And, truthfully, none of my exes have done this either, thankfully.

If your go-to in an argument is to start lobbing ad hominem attacks, we’re probably not a good fit. And, you’ve probably got some growing to do.

🔴 Conservative Mindset

If your mindset focuses on preserving the past, avoiding growth and change, and is wholly about you with no regard for others, we are not a good match.

Plus, if you think that women shouldn’t be able to make decisions about their bodies, black lives don’t matter, voting rights should be suppressed, “illegals” are “ruining this country”, or that queer and trans people are less valid or worthy than anyone else… fuck you.

🟠 Doesn’t Have Shit Together

I expect the person I’m dating to have a place of their own, a car, and job.

If you don’t have one of those, I might be able to overlook it, depending on the circumstances.

If you’re lacking more than one of them, we’re not a good fit.

🟠 Snapchat

I loathe this app. In addition to being totally inefficient, it’s a favorite tool of people who behave in sketchy ways.

Why do you need your messages and photos to disappear? Seriously.

If your primary communication tool is Snapchat, we might have issues.

🟠 Fixed Mindset

When I was with K, he struggled to ever learn or grow. He was plagued with a rigid, fixed mindset.

My partner needs to be open to growing and learning, and needs to be able to critically think and solve problems.

🟠 Humorless

I love to joke and lovingly tease and laugh with my partner. If you aren’t playful or humorous, we might struggle.

🟠 Freezes When It Counts

With both K and D, I couldn’t count on them to be my emergency contact: They’d freeze in serious situations.

I need someone who knows what to do, without being told, when it really matters.

🟡 Never Been in a Serious Relationship

D had never been in a serious relationship prior to me. I always wondered if that would be a detriment to our relationship, and now that it’s over, I truly believe my instinct was right.

This isn’t a dealbreaker for me, but I definitely prefer someone who has some relationship experience under their belt.