What I’m Listening To

These Are The Things That Helped Me Most

I am incredibly fortunate that, in times of trauma and grief, the coping strategies that come most easily and naturally to me are the ones that most would consider ‘healthy’.

From therapy to comfort shows to fitness, I’m finding this breakup to be similar to my last one: A time of pain and grief to be sure, but also a time of growth, reflection, and renewal.

These are the things that have helped me the most since my breakup.

Talking

When I’m struggling with difficult moments, my instinct is to talk to others. Friends, family, and even willing coworkers all heard some version of what was going on, and it brought me immense comfort in those moments.

I know that this doesn’t come naturally to everyone, and so I’m deeply grateful to myself that it does to me. I believe that this strategy, above everything else, is what has helped me come as far as I have already.

Being With People

In the days that immediately followed the breakup, being with people wasn’t only a coping strategy for me, it was a necessity.

I didn’t want to be alone. I needed to be out and with people, even if it meant watching TV on their couch or working solo in their dining room while they worked from their office.

Even now, a couple of months later, I find that having plans to look forward to really helps me feel optimistic about things.

Fitness

This is probably my most-cherished new coping strategy: My ex is going to be a big part of the reason why I am going to get the body I’ve always wanted. Thanks, babe.

D and I used to go to the gym together 2-3 times per week, and it became an incredibly painful place to even think about going following our breakup.

Then, a week later, I pushed myself to go back. Even though I went with my friend Janet, that first time back was, as expected, incredibly painful without him. I remember nearly falling apart on the fitness floor when, as we were leaving, I saw the spot D and I used to meet after we finished working out.

But, while I was there that first time, I was on the treadmill, and I pushed myself a little harder than usual. The sensations of exercising at that level outpaced my grief and sadness, and I felt good for a few minutes.

That was enough.

Starting the following day, I blew up my morning routine of nearly ten years, and I started going to the gym at 6:30am. (Mornings are my most productive time, and I spent years using that time for my side-hustle.) The physical exertion felt good every time, and it let me leave behind the grief for a little while. Literally overnight, the gym became my sanctuary.

As of writing this, it’s been two months since my breakup, and I’ve been to the gym every single day since that day with Janet. I’ve built my own circuit, including strength, cardio, and stretching, and I’m starting to notice physical changes in my body.

Truthfully, I’m confident at this point that fitness has become a permanent part of my life in a big way, and while my goal isn’t specifically to get a revenge body — this work is for me — it’ll maybe be a nice side perk.

Therapy

I’ve seen a therapist, at least every two weeks, since 2016. Having an established relationship with someone I trust has been invaluable to me when I’ve hit turbulent periods.

When D and I were going through trouble. When D and I broke up. When the same things happened with K. When I’ve had trouble at work, or trouble with friends. All of these difficult moments were made easier knowing that I had a therapy session on the calendar.

Podcasts & TV Shows

In the immediate aftermath of my breakup, I really struggled with being alone. I also really struggled with things being too quiet. My mind and my heart were on overload, and when things got too quiet, it turned up the volume.

But, of course, I couldn’t be with people 24/7.

So, I found that watching a rerun of a comfort show like Schitt’s Creek, The Office, or Parks & Rec, or playing an episode of a podcast like Office Ladies, even just in the background, was remarkably helpful.

During this time, I also started listening to a new podcast called Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet (hilarious show, incidentally), and I picked up watching RuPaul’s Drag Race. Both shows quickly became comfort shows, too.

In fact, as I’ve been writing and reflecting back, I realize that reruns and new content provided different kinds of comfort to me.

Old shows were like having friends around me, and brought me a sense of normalcy. New shows gave me something about the future to focus on. Plus, everything I consume is comedy, so that helped immensely.

Writing for Wild Heart

This blog has proved to be an invaluable tool for me as I process and heal from this breakup.

First, I can pour my emotions into it. To do that, I have to organize my thoughts and feelings, in writing, in a way that makes sense. So, writing here forces me to spend deliberate time thinking about things in a way I wouldn’t otherwise.

Second, it gives me a new sense of purpose. Knowing that I have a project to work on provides both meaning and comfort.

And third, I always have a place to go. Six weeks or so past my breakup, my friends and family naturally returned to their normal lives, and I’ve had more and more time to myself. Sometimes, those stretches of hours spent solo in my apartment have gotten a little bit lonely. Since I started Wild Heart though, anytime I start to feel a bit stir-crazy, I know I can jump in the car and drive to Starbucks to write.

Klonopin

One last strategy that I turned to was getting a prescription for Klonopin.

I’d never really taken any sort of anti-anxiety medication in the past, but the emotions in those first few weeks were so overwhelming that I just wanted a temporary pause. I needed a little while for the pain to not be gone, but to receded into the background for a while

After speaking with my doctor, my therapist, and friends who used it, I decided that Klonopin was a path I wanted to pursue. Since getting the script, I’ve only taken it three times, but it’s been a gift each time I’ve needed it.

Also, Janet (same friend from earlier) shared this perspective with me, which I’ve found to be completely true: Just knowing that I have the option to take one of those pills if I really need it is often enough to help me through.

Medication might not be right for everyone, given individual circumstances, but I’m glad I’ve had it as a tool. And, I’m grateful I have it as one going forward.

What I’ve Learned

1. Don’t Wait to Start

From therapy to comfort shows, I am so grateful that I had a history with these things prior to ruptures in my life.

I knew that my therapist was there, and that I trusted her, and I was already comfortable with being vulnerable with her. I didn’t have to add the stress of finding someone and getting used to them, plus deal with the lag in support while waiting for a first session. Also, a first session typically has a lot of housekeeping (insurance, billing, forms, etc.), so it’s often not a full session spent talking about what’s going on.

Also, with comfort content, it really felt like those characters and creators were my friends, an extension of my circle that I could turn on at any time. This only worked so well because I had a history with them.

I’ve seen The Office probably 30-40 times through. Same for Schitt’s Creek. And Parks & Rec isn’t that far behind. I knew exactly what to expect with those reruns, and I knew that there wouldn’t be any emotional surprises or twists I’d have to navigate.

Starting in advance of a rupture, almost in preparation for it, gave these coping strategies a serious boost.

2. Lean On Trusted People

My circle was instrumental in helping me through that first month. From talking me through things, to letting me be with them, to making me lunch when I just couldn’t bring myself to cook, I truly needed them. I have the most amazing people around me, and they were by my side the instant I needed them.

The key to this was that I let them help me. I told them that I needed them. I talked to them, even about hard things.

3. Sometimes, Sit With The Pain

As I mentioned in Emotions Journal 2: The Frog, sometimes the only way to deal with tough emotions is to go through them. “There’s no around, above, below, beside, outside of, underneath, or any other possible preposition that will work.”

There have been moments that have, out of nowhere, triggered a flood of memories and emotions. And so, in the middle of the day, or right before bed, or while winding down after work, I’ve crumbled, overcome with pain and sadness.

Those moments, while gut-wrenching, were cathartic. I needed to cry. The grief reservoir was full, and I needed to vent the pressure.

The only way to deal with the pain is to go through it.