What I’m Listening To

Everything Was Normal

D and I were laying in bed together when I looked up from my phone. Glancing in his direction, I noticed that he was scrolling through his Facebook feed. Same old, same old.

Everything was normal.

Then the anxious thought crept in: Was everything normal because everything actually was normal? Or was everything normal because it was crafted to look that way?

Even though he told me often that things were okay, and that I had nothing to worry about, his past lies rang like bells in the back of my mind.

It was that question, and the resulting argument, that eventually led to D saying the thing I’d feared for so long:

“We should break up.”

I Wanted, Perhaps Foolishly, To Keep Trying

There wasn’t anything special or unusual happening that morning. D was simply scrolling Facebook. But he’d put me through enough deceit that I was justifiably uneasy. And I couldn’t shake the feeling.

The previous year, I discovered that D was using Twitter to exchange explicit photos and videos with other guys.

I was devastated.

As I skimmed through the messages on the screen, my first thought was, “I can’t believe this is happening to me again.”

My previous ex, K, had put me through similar bullshit. With K, his deceit came out when we were in a Starbucks one evening and I got a random message on Facebook: “K is cheating on you.”

Devastated that time, too.

But, in both cases, I chose to stay. We chose to work on it.

D and I grappled with his deceit and my anxiety for a year and a half. We had so many hard times. And so many good times.

We argued. We took a cruise. We cooked together and laughed together. We talked in circles about our feelings. We saw a couple’s therapist. We hosted parties. We watched movies. We cried. It was better. And then it wasn’t.

We rode a pendulum between love and comfort and hurt and despair more often than I care to remember.

D worked harder on it than K had. But, after wrestling with a second betrayal that came out in April of this year, it was too much.

He decided I would never be able to trust him again.

It should have been me. I should have made that decision. But I couldn’t.

I loved him. And I wanted, more than anything, to trust him fully and completely.

I wanted, perhaps foolishly, to keep trying.

And he was done trying.

So, six weeks later, I’m sitting at this tiny, round Starbucks table up the road from my apartment, formerly our apartment, writing about our breakup.

I’m Writing This 100% For Me

So, why bother writing all of this on a public blog?

There are three reasons.

First, I want to document my process in recovering from this breakup so I can refer back to it if it this ever happens again. I wish I’d done this after K, so I’m doing it now after D.

Second, I’m looking for another outlet for my emotions. I’ve had my amazing circle of friends and family around me, plus my wonderful therapist whom I’ve seen for years. And, since the breakup, I’ve plunged headfirst into fitness — I’m at the gym every single day by 6:30am.

But, now that it’s been about two months, my friends and family are going back to their normal routines, and I’m fending for myself quite a bit more. Writing gives me a healthy place to process what I’m feeling. And, having another reason to go out whenever I want or need brings me a lot of comfort.

And third, I’ve found that there’s a surprising lack of resources for queer people going through breakups that aren’t divorces. Maybe documenting my journey will be helpful to others in the future.

I’m writing this 100% for me, but maybe someone else might find it helpful. So, here it is.

Strong Back, Soft Front, Wild Heart

Brené Brown is one of my favorite people.

In her book Braving the Wilderness, she introduces strong back, soft front, wild heart.

It involves cultivating resilience, a strong back, while remaining open and vulnerable, a soft front, and maintaining courage and authenticity, a wild heart.

This idea has resonated with me for years, and I find that, since the breakup, it’s been coming back to my mind more and more. So, when I was working on a theme for this new project, it popped back into my head, and Wild Heart stuck.

So, for the foreseeable future, I’ll spend time periodically writing Wild Heart entries, and in doing so, hopefully cultivate all three.

I’ll write about loss and friendship and breakups and love and coping and just getting by.

I’ll write long posts and short stubs.

I’ll write journal entries and helpful thoughts.

I’ll write when it hurts and when it doesn’t.

I’ll write with my own blend of heart, grief, wit, and sass.

In short: I’ll write whatever and whenever and however the hell I want. It’s 100% for me.

But if you’re here, I hope you find it helpful, too ❤️

Into the Wilderness

Once again, I find myself thrust into the unknown, into the Wilderness.

The Wilderness is a place of self-discovery, authenticity, vulnerability, and standing alone. (Credit again to Brené.)

I’ve been here before, and so this time it’s a little less scary. But still, I’m flung into this vast, dark forest. And even though I have amazing people and resources around me, this is a journey I have to take alone.

I know it will be worth it in the end. I know I’ll look back later and be grateful for every step. I know I’ll learn and grow and be so much better.

But right now? I fucking hate it here.

Let’s go.